what doesn't throw you or burn you will surely turn you around

I've come to a sort of crossroads in my life. At this point I can go back to school around here and get a degree in something I'll "probably be good at" and get a job I'll "probably like" and go on with everything, or I can follow my dreams. My actual dreams, which, had I known ten years ago that they'd change so much throughout my 20's, I would probably have not started college right out of high school. Here's what's going on, in a nutshell:I've always been sure of one thing, and yet curiously hesitant to change the circumstances that made me so damn sure about it all the time. This thing, this fact, is that I don't want to be here in this podunk town where I am and always will be referred to as my father's daughter for the rest of my life. I want to leave, I have always wanted to, needed to really, get a handle on things and find my own "wide open spaces", if you will. But time ticked on, things happened, shit happened, and I just.... I kept sticking around here, not really happy per se, more... treading water and waiting for something, anything, to get me moving out into the world and on my way. And nothing happened. Nada. Just... you know, the shit that happened, and I had been ready for action and then.... well... sometimes when you get to the place I was you can't imagine that there's a way to move on. Because there isn't, until you're good and ready.

So here I am, ready, I do believe, even though what I want to do, NEED TO DO, will take me away from my cocoon here, my friends, my job I've had for nearly ten years, all of it. I'll have to figure out ways to be who I am, while leaving who I've fought against turning into here. Or maybe I'll just take it all with me and see what happens. I don't know. What I'm looking at is heading out to Virginia to live with my brother's family for about a year while I establish residency so that going to college will be cheaper, and then going to VCU in Richmond, where there is a jewelry design/making/metal working/glass working program. Sure, it's not a lucrative career path, but it makes me happy. I feel like I'm a natural with this stuff, and who knew. I was so hell bent on music (which I have a great love for, but my talent does not match up to what I need it to be for me to do it and make money), that I forgot that I might be great at something else. And living with my brother's family would be a helpful thing for them too. My bro is probably leaving in March for Afghanistan, so if I head out sometime this summer I will be able to give Diana a lot of support and help with the kiddos. She's going to need it. I guess what I need from my friends is help with the courage, and reassurance that I can do this because it's been done by countless people before me.

I'm not.... I act super strong and such, but I'm scared shitless, and that's what has kept me here, fear that I won't be able to make it out there on my own. Fear that some of the bad judgment calls I've made are going to haunt me, or that I'll just make more and more, even though I've learned. But I don't think I'll sink. I think I'll find a way to soar. I know I'll find a way to soar.