sooooooo......

.....the most powerful realization I've had about my life and what's gone on with moving and then moving back but not moving back to exactly where I was is... well... I can make my own damn decisions and I don't really HAVE to explain myself to anyone.

Quite liberating, to be honest.

I had to go 1,000 miles away for you to come visit me....

Right now I'm enjoying some blissful peace and quiet. Everything is going alright here, I'm just doing my thing, praying someone will at least call me for an interview. I figure a job will come to me somehow, especially with the holiday hiring season revving up. I know that if I get a temp holiday gig, that's better than nothing. If I get more right away, that's great too. I'll give whatever job I get my all, because it will make my efforts look even better at this point. I think the military address might make employers think I'm temporary, when the reality is that the address is temporary but the intention is to build a life out here, to build something somewhere that let's me have my own identity.

I've had quite the time out here already, with a bad sunburn (ouch!) after a lovely day at the beach, and adjusting to the time zone (who knew an hour was so long! lol. my sleeps did!). I've gone for a lot of walks, and a bike ride. I went and hung out at Rachel's, dropped off some jewelry with her to send in a box to RCC. That'll make me a few bucks, but it wasn't much. I need to do more, maybe I'll work on that this weekend. Hooray! That's when I know I'm at home - wherever I set up my jewelry stuff and start creating is where home is to me.

I've had some interesting dreams too, which have left me with simultaneous feelings of excitement and mystery. It depends on what you believe about this type of thing, but basically an friend who's passed away visited me in my dreams and told me everything that's changing is good and I'm brave, and then the biggest part I remember is her telling me I needed to fall in love again. It was a very strange, very real dream.

My dad always says to trust the process, which means to let ourselves find a direction we believe we're supposed to go in and then let God handle it from there. It's good wisdom, but I'm still working on the balance between doing my thing and letting it all take the course it's supposed to. I know it's not saying "just don't do anything and God and sunshine and puppies and happy daisy dreams will take it from there!" It's more of a letting yourself let life lead you and it'll be alright because faith is powerful.

I'm just.....

I'm getting there. With everything. Every day. It's all happening, and I need to let it.

I will miss Steak N Shake, though....

I'm having an emotional week. It's my last week of work, and while the reason for going is totally awesome and I'm ready for a new adventure, the whole "leaving my jobs and my home and not having a job set up yet" part of this is very very scary. It's also very sad to be leaving my coworkers, these people who I have seen all the time for the past however many years. I'm going to miss them. I'm going to stay in touch, because I want to know how everybody is doing, how they are liking/despising the changes at work, and how their families are. I feel like I've been through so much with everyone else's lives while mine has stayed fairly the same.

So this is a big change, and I'm having to accept, adjust, maybe even mourn, but it's making me stronger. It's also evident to me how much stronger I am now than I was before. I mean, look at the decisions I've made! Look at the scary big changes I'm facing! I'm doing things that I've wanted to do but not had the balls to do for all of this time.

So it's a week of lasts. A few weeks of them, I guess, and then I'll be off to my new home. It's not like I can't come visit, and hopefully I find a job that allows me to be able to take the time to visit and to afford the trips. But right now I'm unsure of that, and unsure of the future. Turns out, though, that I don't mind as much as I thought. I can't take any doggies right now, but I'll try later when I've moved to my own place. All of this is making me anxious and nervous and scared. But not afraid to go. No. Just aware that the changes on the outside of me will bring changes to the inside of me.

I am also totally mystified by the people who think that I'm just going somewhere for awhile and I'll be back. As if this is the only place to settle down and live your life and raise a family. Quite frankly, I can't imagine doing that. Ick. Don't these people realize that if that was part of my plan, I would've already started down the track of doing that? I'm 29, if I wanted to get married and have kids and live here until I died, I would already have gotten married and probably popped out a few babies. I have been, for many years, basically treading water, waiting for my next big thing, and scared to do anything too wild or out there because I would surely sink. But you know what? I'm not just going to swim out of this fishbowl, hell no baby, I'm gonna fly! (well, drive, lol, really, but uh... oh you get my point!)

you're a real tough cookie.....

I wonder sometimes if I haven't hidden my light under a damn bushel so long that I've managed to live as a single girl through the majority of my twenties. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself all this time. I just have kind of refused to put up with any drama, and false flirtations or sure-to-end-badly suggestions that I should date so-and-so.

I thought for a long time that maybe I was aiming too high or something. You know, like a girl like me shouldn't be so picky? The thing is, though, that I have always figured I would just know when the right guy came along. I'm not sitting around figuring he'll just wander by, but I also refuse to date a million frogs just to find my prince. I don't have this terribly stringent list of what's right in a guy and what's wrong. But I do have a lot of ideas about what's right for me.

Maybe getting out of here will be a big push in the direction of solving this nearly decade long dry spell. It seems like I can't find anyone around here who actually (a) is my type and (b) wants to date me. and by "is my type", I don't mean "fits into this box of qualities that I refuse to budge on", I just mean someone who will love me for me and who will want to support and encourage me to be everything I want to be while I do the same for them. I need someone who gets me, and that I get, (and who puts up with me when I try to run away from him a couple of times, which I'm probably going to do, because... uh.... love ain't easy...)

I'm not going to go searching, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I'm just... *sigh*.... I'm prone to saying I don't believe in love for myself, but that's not necessarily true. What I don't believe in is the timeline everyone around here seems to want to set for girls like me. I will get married (and, God willing, have babies?) someday. Maybe even someday soon. But it will be because I met the love of my life and decided it was time. Not because I decided it was time and that some random dude was the love of my life.

maybe someday we'll figure all this out...

I have been putting together my plans for moving to Virginia for almost a year now. It started as a "I could do this if I wanted to..." and then went through the "ugh, am I nuts? I do really need to get out of here..." phase, and "omg. this is a great idea, as long as I can support myself..." and "I'm going. I'm doing this, no one is stopping me!" That's finally where I am at last. Even with all of my anxiety over the job search and finding myself where I should be, there's no reason I shouldn't go. A lot of situations have converged to the point of me needing out and having somewhere to stay while I get my shit together. So much for the turbulent 20's being almost over, I'm riding right in to the last year of my "young adulthood" by shaking everything up and giving myself a totally new beginning.

I can't wait.

And yet, I can't stop fretting over finding a job and packing and making sure I can handle this in other ways. I suppose I'd be weird if I weren't worried. I know I'm lucky because I have a home to move to (I'll be staying with my sister-in-law and the five, count 'em, five kids ranging in age from 14 down to 2. Two that are 2, as my sister-in-law's niece is now pretty much living there full time.) I know I can do this. I know this won't be the end of my world, but the beginning of a new exciting chapter. It's well past time for those pages to turn, that's for sure.

When I leave here, I'll be letting go of the general fishbowl mentality that I've suffered from living under for most of my life now. Small towns are not easy places to grow up if your parents have any standing in the community, and I'm a preacher's daughter. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't sneeze on Saturday without everyone knowing it by Sunday. People have asked me if I'll be coming back, and I can honestly say that I won't be coming back to live. I want to change, I want out, that's pretty much all I've ever wanted, and life, events, people, the economy, all kinds of stuff kept weighing me down. I won't have it anymore. It's now or never, and I'm not taking never for an answer.

My dream, my ultimate big goal in life (besides getting married and having a beautiful family in the near future, god willing) is to open a shop/studio to make and sell my jewelry, teach classes, and sell some other people's items as well. I want to use this talent I have. It took me years to find it, and I'm convinced that I am capable of being consistently unique and interesting as a designer. I'm keeping my eyes on this goal, no matter what else happens. I will be defined by myself, my personal decisions and ideas, my aestethic and my creativity. Not by what other people think they see in me and try to tell me I'll be.

This might be a crazy adventure, but at least I won't regret it. I would regret not going on it, not changing and seeing who I am and what I'm made of.

I just wish I could take my dog with me.

in bloom

Winter was long for me. For everyone, perhaps. I just had this general malaise hanging over me. A lack of energy and an unhappy feeling seemed to follow me no matter what I did. I was exhausted and pissy. And that's not like me, you know?

This nice spring weather is really making me feel more alive, and happier, and it's actually bringing me back around to knowing that I have a purpose. Such goodness in such little things. Who knew that this weather that vexes me half the time (oi, allergies!), is actually what wakes me up each year and reminds me that beginnings are what you can count on in life. And sure, they follow endings, but you have to be brave and face everything (beginning, middle, and end) with an open mind and a strong heart.

I made the most awesome earrings the other night out of guitar strings, some 24 gauge wire for a little help (guitar strings are extremely low gauge and don't always stay how you'd like them to), and some beads. I designed and made them all by myself and am so proud of the finished product. I should've taken a picture to post here, because I'd like everyone to admire them (lol, just kidding! if you didn't like them I'd be just as curious to know why... maybe.) But it was a very cool feeling to know that I created something from start to finish, no pattern, no design from some other source, just my brain, my heart, my hands. It filled me up. More than any moment at work ever does. And that says something.

I have so many ideas to work on for my friend Kristen's store, so she can have success selling the wares of some of her creative friends, and in turn we will feel success as well. It's a positive thing all around. We will all come to understand more about ourselves and what we are capable of as artisans. I'm so excited!

I'll learn to get by on little victories...

I've been house/dogsitting this week, which has given me a ton of alone time. I'm not used to alone time, I'm not great at being alone to be honest. Really, as nuts as it drives me to have other people around and a lack of privacy, there's this level on which I need a kind of access to instant socialization. If that makes sense. I'm odd. Anyway, the alone time has given me a lot of time to think, leading me to some random conclusions on various topics:

- the only person who's really really disappointed in me for where I've ended up in life currently is myself. sad but true.

- I had someone in my life whom I used to call friend piss me off one too many times recently, and I decided completely defriend her and block her on everything. She was making snide comments and trying to start shit between a mutual friend or through a mutual friend. it was bullshit. useless bullshit. So I cut her off. I realized that it was the best thing to do and probably should've done it sooner, but the thought occurred to me in the past couple of days that when she chose to laugh at a certain emotional trauma I went through, because she perceives it as funny, she chose to laugh at something that had messed with my life big time, and had devastated a chunk of who I was. And it occurred to me that even if everything else in our friendship had been fine, that I wouldn't have continued to put up with it, because it's comparable in my emotional landscape to laughing about me being attacked or abused. It really is. And she can shove it up her ass.

- I need to quit buying crap I don't really need or plan to use extensively

- I need to pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth and to how active I'm being. I'm the only one who can change this about myself. and I'm mad at myself for letting it get this far.

- Things will fall into place, and I need to trust that. But I also need to trust myself to give my life the push it needs.

- I need to remember what Rachel said on the boat during my tarot reading.