what doesn't throw you or burn you will surely turn you around

I've come to a sort of crossroads in my life. At this point I can go back to school around here and get a degree in something I'll "probably be good at" and get a job I'll "probably like" and go on with everything, or I can follow my dreams. My actual dreams, which, had I known ten years ago that they'd change so much throughout my 20's, I would probably have not started college right out of high school. Here's what's going on, in a nutshell:I've always been sure of one thing, and yet curiously hesitant to change the circumstances that made me so damn sure about it all the time. This thing, this fact, is that I don't want to be here in this podunk town where I am and always will be referred to as my father's daughter for the rest of my life. I want to leave, I have always wanted to, needed to really, get a handle on things and find my own "wide open spaces", if you will. But time ticked on, things happened, shit happened, and I just.... I kept sticking around here, not really happy per se, more... treading water and waiting for something, anything, to get me moving out into the world and on my way. And nothing happened. Nada. Just... you know, the shit that happened, and I had been ready for action and then.... well... sometimes when you get to the place I was you can't imagine that there's a way to move on. Because there isn't, until you're good and ready.

So here I am, ready, I do believe, even though what I want to do, NEED TO DO, will take me away from my cocoon here, my friends, my job I've had for nearly ten years, all of it. I'll have to figure out ways to be who I am, while leaving who I've fought against turning into here. Or maybe I'll just take it all with me and see what happens. I don't know. What I'm looking at is heading out to Virginia to live with my brother's family for about a year while I establish residency so that going to college will be cheaper, and then going to VCU in Richmond, where there is a jewelry design/making/metal working/glass working program. Sure, it's not a lucrative career path, but it makes me happy. I feel like I'm a natural with this stuff, and who knew. I was so hell bent on music (which I have a great love for, but my talent does not match up to what I need it to be for me to do it and make money), that I forgot that I might be great at something else. And living with my brother's family would be a helpful thing for them too. My bro is probably leaving in March for Afghanistan, so if I head out sometime this summer I will be able to give Diana a lot of support and help with the kiddos. She's going to need it. I guess what I need from my friends is help with the courage, and reassurance that I can do this because it's been done by countless people before me.

I'm not.... I act super strong and such, but I'm scared shitless, and that's what has kept me here, fear that I won't be able to make it out there on my own. Fear that some of the bad judgment calls I've made are going to haunt me, or that I'll just make more and more, even though I've learned. But I don't think I'll sink. I think I'll find a way to soar. I know I'll find a way to soar.

The Value of a Library Card

Having worked at public libraries as a clerk for nearly ten years now, I know something about the way people react when you tell them how much they have to pay for a library card if they live outside our tax district. I've heard people proclaim it a waste, I've literally heard people say "that's ridiculous! why would I pay that for a card at this library, it's not worth that!" right to our faces. And in my opinion, they couldn't sound more ignorant at that point. It's one thing if you just plain can't afford it, but if you just won't pay it because you're cheap, well, you don't need to insult the establishment and the hard working people in it just because you can.

#1: it's not our choice, these rules are set by a domino effect of people and committees and boards and such that then pass the numbers and percentages on to our head librarian who then has to set the price using a formula based on population/taxes/etc. Plus, if you listen to what we're explaining, you'll learn that the people living within our itemized tax district pay AS MUCH or MORE for a library card. It's the people paying for it and not using it that boggle me, but that's a whole other rant.

#2: YES it is worth it. You're wanting to come in here and take out who knows how much of our "merchandise" without laying down a cent? And you want us to trust you to bring it back? Just like that? New best sellers that cost $30+, DVDs that cost $15-$25+, computer software, out of print books, reference material, audiobooks that cost $45+. And we shouldn't charge you yearly dues? If you use the library to it's full potential, you are saving countless dollars. Now, if you want one book and that's it, go to Borders and get it for your damn self. When you have to go buy another book or two in a few months and it costs you thirty more bucks every time, just remember you refused to pay $80 for a library card because it cost too much. Flawed logic.

#3 Do you think these materials just show up out of thin air? We have to buy them. And the people working here, they need to get paid. And the upkeep on those materials that many many careless people ruin on a regular basis and the repair team has to try to salvage? Those supplies (and the initial book covering supplies and protective cases and the labels that make the books easier to find, and the shelves they are on....) cost a pretty penny. This place isn't running on smiles and sunshine, that's for sure.

#4 The library does more for the community than any bookstore ever will. Every time you lay money down for a library card, you are helping fund storytimes, summer reading programs, movie nights, adult enrichment classes, and many more activities. You are helping the entire community, and giving yourself the ability to utilise a wealth of materials and resources.

Now, call me crazy, but what part of all of this is so very not worth it?

all these places have their moments....

When my sweet baby girl Rosie died in July, I decided that I would properly pay tribute to her in several ways. I got a charm with her paw print that I can wear as a necklace, I am putting together a huge photo/scrapbook as I get the chance, and I wanted her permanently with me, walking by my side, so I got my first tattoo in her memory. Here are some pics from the day, taken by Rachel and Lori, who went with me and kept me from crying most of the time (cause they'll tell you it doesn't hurt, but it hurts like a mofo, at least it did for me.)

This officially wins my "funniest position ever laid in for more than half an hour" award. (that's Donna K working on me, by the way, she did an awesome job!) I was on my back with my hips twisted to the side and my right arm trying to hold still and my left arm holding Lori's hoodie sleeve so her hand wouldn't be pulverized by my monster grip.

No, really, it hurt... not that I won't do it again, but it wasn't pleasant....

But it was worth every minute (and every dollar) because Rosie went through oh so much more in her 13 1/2 years.

I miss my girl.

it isn't much, but at least it's mine

I don't have much time for a formal post at this moment, but I need to air this somewhere... you know I've had a lot of people ask me about going back to school at what I want to do and what my plans are and blah blah blah. and I've found that, now that I have determined what I want to do and what I see myself being happy and successful at, that when I answer the reactions I get are just..... they are much more reflective of the person asking the question than what they actually think of me.

My initial (and always stifled) reaction is to say something to them about how they don't seem to care much about my happiness or put faith in my belief in myself. I know what kind of road being an artist will take me down. I know that I won't make millions of dollars selling jewelry unless something catches on really big somehow, but that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to find the greatest way possible to live my dream, to go into territory that will terrify and exilarate me. I know I'm good at what I do now, but I don't love what I do now. And I don't want to be doing it in ten or twenty years. It's not about making these doubters happy, it's not about being practical, it's about making myself happy and seeing my life as something that I GET TO LIVE on MY TERMS. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore, that has obviously gotten me nowhere. I'm closing my eyes, taking a running start, and jumping with all my strength. and I'm terrified. But it's a good type of terrified. and it's a great thing to know about myself, that I've reached the point where no one else can tell me how to be happy. If you love me, set me free. Maybe when my jewelry is selling for hundreds of dollars a piece I'll send you free pair of earrings.