maybe someday we'll figure all this out...

I have been putting together my plans for moving to Virginia for almost a year now. It started as a "I could do this if I wanted to..." and then went through the "ugh, am I nuts? I do really need to get out of here..." phase, and "omg. this is a great idea, as long as I can support myself..." and "I'm going. I'm doing this, no one is stopping me!" That's finally where I am at last. Even with all of my anxiety over the job search and finding myself where I should be, there's no reason I shouldn't go. A lot of situations have converged to the point of me needing out and having somewhere to stay while I get my shit together. So much for the turbulent 20's being almost over, I'm riding right in to the last year of my "young adulthood" by shaking everything up and giving myself a totally new beginning.

I can't wait.

And yet, I can't stop fretting over finding a job and packing and making sure I can handle this in other ways. I suppose I'd be weird if I weren't worried. I know I'm lucky because I have a home to move to (I'll be staying with my sister-in-law and the five, count 'em, five kids ranging in age from 14 down to 2. Two that are 2, as my sister-in-law's niece is now pretty much living there full time.) I know I can do this. I know this won't be the end of my world, but the beginning of a new exciting chapter. It's well past time for those pages to turn, that's for sure.

When I leave here, I'll be letting go of the general fishbowl mentality that I've suffered from living under for most of my life now. Small towns are not easy places to grow up if your parents have any standing in the community, and I'm a preacher's daughter. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't sneeze on Saturday without everyone knowing it by Sunday. People have asked me if I'll be coming back, and I can honestly say that I won't be coming back to live. I want to change, I want out, that's pretty much all I've ever wanted, and life, events, people, the economy, all kinds of stuff kept weighing me down. I won't have it anymore. It's now or never, and I'm not taking never for an answer.

My dream, my ultimate big goal in life (besides getting married and having a beautiful family in the near future, god willing) is to open a shop/studio to make and sell my jewelry, teach classes, and sell some other people's items as well. I want to use this talent I have. It took me years to find it, and I'm convinced that I am capable of being consistently unique and interesting as a designer. I'm keeping my eyes on this goal, no matter what else happens. I will be defined by myself, my personal decisions and ideas, my aestethic and my creativity. Not by what other people think they see in me and try to tell me I'll be.

This might be a crazy adventure, but at least I won't regret it. I would regret not going on it, not changing and seeing who I am and what I'm made of.

I just wish I could take my dog with me.