I'll learn to get by on little victories...

I've been house/dogsitting this week, which has given me a ton of alone time. I'm not used to alone time, I'm not great at being alone to be honest. Really, as nuts as it drives me to have other people around and a lack of privacy, there's this level on which I need a kind of access to instant socialization. If that makes sense. I'm odd. Anyway, the alone time has given me a lot of time to think, leading me to some random conclusions on various topics:

- the only person who's really really disappointed in me for where I've ended up in life currently is myself. sad but true.

- I had someone in my life whom I used to call friend piss me off one too many times recently, and I decided completely defriend her and block her on everything. She was making snide comments and trying to start shit between a mutual friend or through a mutual friend. it was bullshit. useless bullshit. So I cut her off. I realized that it was the best thing to do and probably should've done it sooner, but the thought occurred to me in the past couple of days that when she chose to laugh at a certain emotional trauma I went through, because she perceives it as funny, she chose to laugh at something that had messed with my life big time, and had devastated a chunk of who I was. And it occurred to me that even if everything else in our friendship had been fine, that I wouldn't have continued to put up with it, because it's comparable in my emotional landscape to laughing about me being attacked or abused. It really is. And she can shove it up her ass.

- I need to quit buying crap I don't really need or plan to use extensively

- I need to pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth and to how active I'm being. I'm the only one who can change this about myself. and I'm mad at myself for letting it get this far.

- Things will fall into place, and I need to trust that. But I also need to trust myself to give my life the push it needs.

- I need to remember what Rachel said on the boat during my tarot reading.