but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need...

If you summed up 2011 for me, it would be a year of tremendous change. Of chances taken, of being scared shitless sometimes, of moments of relief, of moments of pure happiness… of just crazy shit. LOL. I’m alive, I’ll be damned. Here’s a bit of “by the numbers” if you will.

In 2011:

30 - age I turned

50 - pounds I lost

Infinite - times I laughed and/or smiled

Countless - tears I cried

1 - times I fell in love

5 - months I was in relationship

Infinite - courage and strength I realized I had

Countless - dogs I bathed and clipped nails on

>15 - friends I made

3 - job interviews

>10 - resumes sent to libraries

1 - semester of U of I completed

2 - short, too short, visits home

1 - new pet (Wilbur!)

Infinite - frustration at my job

0 - concerts I went to (say what!?!)

0 - trips I went on

5 - post secrets I sent

1 - band I love eternally broke up (RIP REM)

Countless - scratches from dogs and cat

2 - bites (one from a little terrier, on from Wilbur)

3 - U of I classes passed

1 - U of I class dropped

Countless - miles I ran

6 - size jeans I fit into now

12 - size jeans I fit into when the year started

Countless - cups of coffee or tea, and gallons of water drank

Countless - conversations with my besties

I could go on and on with this… but you get it. I’ve been busy. I’ve had some amazing shit happen, and some sad shit. I’ve had moments I thought I wouldn’t survive, and times I know I was there just to help other people feel alive. Awesome. Let’s make 2012 worth our whiles people. Let’s make it nothing short of absolutely incredible!

the greatest advice to me that I didn't teach...

I remember when Holly died, and people expect a certain mourning period of you, as if one day too soon of letting out a smile or a laugh makes you not have cared nearly as much as those who are still unable to let it go. Thing is, I also remember something stupid happening at her visitation, and that a bunch of us started giggling. So, I suppose, what you could say is that emotion comes out how it comes out. You feel what you feel on a day by day basis, and you heal how you heal. Because, in the end, it doesn’t matter. I have laughed and smiled and sung along to a billion songs since Holly died in 1998, I have grown older and wiser and more beautiful, and I have made new friends and lost friends and had others pass on. But it doesn’t change the fact that she was my BFF and she died. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry sometimes when I remember little things about her. It doesn’t mean I’ve lost a memory or a moment, it just means that I’ve lived on.

So goes the same with this love. I can’t sit around moping and crying and not taking care of myself. If I really love myself, I will continue to pick up pieces and carry on every minute of every day. I will cherish memories. I will let myself heal, and laugh, and move on. I will be mature and talk to him if he wants to talk to me, perhaps stay friends in a weird way. It doesn’t mean I love him less. It doesn’t mean I won’t always have this piece of me in love with someone who crushed my heart. It doesn’t mean that this whole thing isn’t going to make me cry or drift away to sadness from time to time. But it also wouldn’t bring him back to me if I were to act like a mopey whiney child. That’s not the way to be a strong beautiful woman, it’s not even the way to be loved.

I did nothing wrong. I’m confident in that at this point. This was all him. It was like slamming into a brick wall. It hurt. It hurts. I loved him. I love him. But I can’t make him change, or grow up, or give me what I need, or love me for that matter. I can’t force him to stay where he doesn’t want to be. I can give time. I can give space. I can be kind. For as much as this changed me, it hasn’t ruined me. A broken heart is not irreparable, it is simply in need of some tlc. It is not unforgivable if he honestly did what he thought was right at the time, it is simply in need of reflection and discussion. But I’m strong. God, look what I’ve been through. I’ll keep healing, and keep missing him, but I will not, I cannot, drown underneath a million gallons of tears until I can’t see straight. I have more dignity than that. I have more character than that. I am a whole person, whether or not he is by my side, and nothing will change that. I don’t see things that aren’t there, I do have to say that, but I can’t make someone see what they don’t want to see. I can’t force love to make itself evident if a man wants to tell me he doesn’t love me. And I can’t let myself feel like I did anything but love him. Because that’s the truth, love from me is special, my heart is special, but if he doesn’t know what he wants, I can’t let him hold it.

sooooooo......

.....the most powerful realization I've had about my life and what's gone on with moving and then moving back but not moving back to exactly where I was is... well... I can make my own damn decisions and I don't really HAVE to explain myself to anyone.

Quite liberating, to be honest.

I had to go 1,000 miles away for you to come visit me....

Right now I'm enjoying some blissful peace and quiet. Everything is going alright here, I'm just doing my thing, praying someone will at least call me for an interview. I figure a job will come to me somehow, especially with the holiday hiring season revving up. I know that if I get a temp holiday gig, that's better than nothing. If I get more right away, that's great too. I'll give whatever job I get my all, because it will make my efforts look even better at this point. I think the military address might make employers think I'm temporary, when the reality is that the address is temporary but the intention is to build a life out here, to build something somewhere that let's me have my own identity.

I've had quite the time out here already, with a bad sunburn (ouch!) after a lovely day at the beach, and adjusting to the time zone (who knew an hour was so long! lol. my sleeps did!). I've gone for a lot of walks, and a bike ride. I went and hung out at Rachel's, dropped off some jewelry with her to send in a box to RCC. That'll make me a few bucks, but it wasn't much. I need to do more, maybe I'll work on that this weekend. Hooray! That's when I know I'm at home - wherever I set up my jewelry stuff and start creating is where home is to me.

I've had some interesting dreams too, which have left me with simultaneous feelings of excitement and mystery. It depends on what you believe about this type of thing, but basically an friend who's passed away visited me in my dreams and told me everything that's changing is good and I'm brave, and then the biggest part I remember is her telling me I needed to fall in love again. It was a very strange, very real dream.

My dad always says to trust the process, which means to let ourselves find a direction we believe we're supposed to go in and then let God handle it from there. It's good wisdom, but I'm still working on the balance between doing my thing and letting it all take the course it's supposed to. I know it's not saying "just don't do anything and God and sunshine and puppies and happy daisy dreams will take it from there!" It's more of a letting yourself let life lead you and it'll be alright because faith is powerful.

I'm just.....

I'm getting there. With everything. Every day. It's all happening, and I need to let it.

I will miss Steak N Shake, though....

I'm having an emotional week. It's my last week of work, and while the reason for going is totally awesome and I'm ready for a new adventure, the whole "leaving my jobs and my home and not having a job set up yet" part of this is very very scary. It's also very sad to be leaving my coworkers, these people who I have seen all the time for the past however many years. I'm going to miss them. I'm going to stay in touch, because I want to know how everybody is doing, how they are liking/despising the changes at work, and how their families are. I feel like I've been through so much with everyone else's lives while mine has stayed fairly the same.

So this is a big change, and I'm having to accept, adjust, maybe even mourn, but it's making me stronger. It's also evident to me how much stronger I am now than I was before. I mean, look at the decisions I've made! Look at the scary big changes I'm facing! I'm doing things that I've wanted to do but not had the balls to do for all of this time.

So it's a week of lasts. A few weeks of them, I guess, and then I'll be off to my new home. It's not like I can't come visit, and hopefully I find a job that allows me to be able to take the time to visit and to afford the trips. But right now I'm unsure of that, and unsure of the future. Turns out, though, that I don't mind as much as I thought. I can't take any doggies right now, but I'll try later when I've moved to my own place. All of this is making me anxious and nervous and scared. But not afraid to go. No. Just aware that the changes on the outside of me will bring changes to the inside of me.

I am also totally mystified by the people who think that I'm just going somewhere for awhile and I'll be back. As if this is the only place to settle down and live your life and raise a family. Quite frankly, I can't imagine doing that. Ick. Don't these people realize that if that was part of my plan, I would've already started down the track of doing that? I'm 29, if I wanted to get married and have kids and live here until I died, I would already have gotten married and probably popped out a few babies. I have been, for many years, basically treading water, waiting for my next big thing, and scared to do anything too wild or out there because I would surely sink. But you know what? I'm not just going to swim out of this fishbowl, hell no baby, I'm gonna fly! (well, drive, lol, really, but uh... oh you get my point!)

you're a real tough cookie.....

I wonder sometimes if I haven't hidden my light under a damn bushel so long that I've managed to live as a single girl through the majority of my twenties. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself all this time. I just have kind of refused to put up with any drama, and false flirtations or sure-to-end-badly suggestions that I should date so-and-so.

I thought for a long time that maybe I was aiming too high or something. You know, like a girl like me shouldn't be so picky? The thing is, though, that I have always figured I would just know when the right guy came along. I'm not sitting around figuring he'll just wander by, but I also refuse to date a million frogs just to find my prince. I don't have this terribly stringent list of what's right in a guy and what's wrong. But I do have a lot of ideas about what's right for me.

Maybe getting out of here will be a big push in the direction of solving this nearly decade long dry spell. It seems like I can't find anyone around here who actually (a) is my type and (b) wants to date me. and by "is my type", I don't mean "fits into this box of qualities that I refuse to budge on", I just mean someone who will love me for me and who will want to support and encourage me to be everything I want to be while I do the same for them. I need someone who gets me, and that I get, (and who puts up with me when I try to run away from him a couple of times, which I'm probably going to do, because... uh.... love ain't easy...)

I'm not going to go searching, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I'm just... *sigh*.... I'm prone to saying I don't believe in love for myself, but that's not necessarily true. What I don't believe in is the timeline everyone around here seems to want to set for girls like me. I will get married (and, God willing, have babies?) someday. Maybe even someday soon. But it will be because I met the love of my life and decided it was time. Not because I decided it was time and that some random dude was the love of my life.

maybe someday we'll figure all this out...

I have been putting together my plans for moving to Virginia for almost a year now. It started as a "I could do this if I wanted to..." and then went through the "ugh, am I nuts? I do really need to get out of here..." phase, and "omg. this is a great idea, as long as I can support myself..." and "I'm going. I'm doing this, no one is stopping me!" That's finally where I am at last. Even with all of my anxiety over the job search and finding myself where I should be, there's no reason I shouldn't go. A lot of situations have converged to the point of me needing out and having somewhere to stay while I get my shit together. So much for the turbulent 20's being almost over, I'm riding right in to the last year of my "young adulthood" by shaking everything up and giving myself a totally new beginning.

I can't wait.

And yet, I can't stop fretting over finding a job and packing and making sure I can handle this in other ways. I suppose I'd be weird if I weren't worried. I know I'm lucky because I have a home to move to (I'll be staying with my sister-in-law and the five, count 'em, five kids ranging in age from 14 down to 2. Two that are 2, as my sister-in-law's niece is now pretty much living there full time.) I know I can do this. I know this won't be the end of my world, but the beginning of a new exciting chapter. It's well past time for those pages to turn, that's for sure.

When I leave here, I'll be letting go of the general fishbowl mentality that I've suffered from living under for most of my life now. Small towns are not easy places to grow up if your parents have any standing in the community, and I'm a preacher's daughter. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't sneeze on Saturday without everyone knowing it by Sunday. People have asked me if I'll be coming back, and I can honestly say that I won't be coming back to live. I want to change, I want out, that's pretty much all I've ever wanted, and life, events, people, the economy, all kinds of stuff kept weighing me down. I won't have it anymore. It's now or never, and I'm not taking never for an answer.

My dream, my ultimate big goal in life (besides getting married and having a beautiful family in the near future, god willing) is to open a shop/studio to make and sell my jewelry, teach classes, and sell some other people's items as well. I want to use this talent I have. It took me years to find it, and I'm convinced that I am capable of being consistently unique and interesting as a designer. I'm keeping my eyes on this goal, no matter what else happens. I will be defined by myself, my personal decisions and ideas, my aestethic and my creativity. Not by what other people think they see in me and try to tell me I'll be.

This might be a crazy adventure, but at least I won't regret it. I would regret not going on it, not changing and seeing who I am and what I'm made of.

I just wish I could take my dog with me.