maybe someday we'll figure all this out...

I have been putting together my plans for moving to Virginia for almost a year now. It started as a "I could do this if I wanted to..." and then went through the "ugh, am I nuts? I do really need to get out of here..." phase, and "omg. this is a great idea, as long as I can support myself..." and "I'm going. I'm doing this, no one is stopping me!" That's finally where I am at last. Even with all of my anxiety over the job search and finding myself where I should be, there's no reason I shouldn't go. A lot of situations have converged to the point of me needing out and having somewhere to stay while I get my shit together. So much for the turbulent 20's being almost over, I'm riding right in to the last year of my "young adulthood" by shaking everything up and giving myself a totally new beginning.

I can't wait.

And yet, I can't stop fretting over finding a job and packing and making sure I can handle this in other ways. I suppose I'd be weird if I weren't worried. I know I'm lucky because I have a home to move to (I'll be staying with my sister-in-law and the five, count 'em, five kids ranging in age from 14 down to 2. Two that are 2, as my sister-in-law's niece is now pretty much living there full time.) I know I can do this. I know this won't be the end of my world, but the beginning of a new exciting chapter. It's well past time for those pages to turn, that's for sure.

When I leave here, I'll be letting go of the general fishbowl mentality that I've suffered from living under for most of my life now. Small towns are not easy places to grow up if your parents have any standing in the community, and I'm a preacher's daughter. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't sneeze on Saturday without everyone knowing it by Sunday. People have asked me if I'll be coming back, and I can honestly say that I won't be coming back to live. I want to change, I want out, that's pretty much all I've ever wanted, and life, events, people, the economy, all kinds of stuff kept weighing me down. I won't have it anymore. It's now or never, and I'm not taking never for an answer.

My dream, my ultimate big goal in life (besides getting married and having a beautiful family in the near future, god willing) is to open a shop/studio to make and sell my jewelry, teach classes, and sell some other people's items as well. I want to use this talent I have. It took me years to find it, and I'm convinced that I am capable of being consistently unique and interesting as a designer. I'm keeping my eyes on this goal, no matter what else happens. I will be defined by myself, my personal decisions and ideas, my aestethic and my creativity. Not by what other people think they see in me and try to tell me I'll be.

This might be a crazy adventure, but at least I won't regret it. I would regret not going on it, not changing and seeing who I am and what I'm made of.

I just wish I could take my dog with me.

in bloom

Winter was long for me. For everyone, perhaps. I just had this general malaise hanging over me. A lack of energy and an unhappy feeling seemed to follow me no matter what I did. I was exhausted and pissy. And that's not like me, you know?

This nice spring weather is really making me feel more alive, and happier, and it's actually bringing me back around to knowing that I have a purpose. Such goodness in such little things. Who knew that this weather that vexes me half the time (oi, allergies!), is actually what wakes me up each year and reminds me that beginnings are what you can count on in life. And sure, they follow endings, but you have to be brave and face everything (beginning, middle, and end) with an open mind and a strong heart.

I made the most awesome earrings the other night out of guitar strings, some 24 gauge wire for a little help (guitar strings are extremely low gauge and don't always stay how you'd like them to), and some beads. I designed and made them all by myself and am so proud of the finished product. I should've taken a picture to post here, because I'd like everyone to admire them (lol, just kidding! if you didn't like them I'd be just as curious to know why... maybe.) But it was a very cool feeling to know that I created something from start to finish, no pattern, no design from some other source, just my brain, my heart, my hands. It filled me up. More than any moment at work ever does. And that says something.

I have so many ideas to work on for my friend Kristen's store, so she can have success selling the wares of some of her creative friends, and in turn we will feel success as well. It's a positive thing all around. We will all come to understand more about ourselves and what we are capable of as artisans. I'm so excited!

it isn't much, but at least it's mine

I don't have much time for a formal post at this moment, but I need to air this somewhere... you know I've had a lot of people ask me about going back to school at what I want to do and what my plans are and blah blah blah. and I've found that, now that I have determined what I want to do and what I see myself being happy and successful at, that when I answer the reactions I get are just..... they are much more reflective of the person asking the question than what they actually think of me.

My initial (and always stifled) reaction is to say something to them about how they don't seem to care much about my happiness or put faith in my belief in myself. I know what kind of road being an artist will take me down. I know that I won't make millions of dollars selling jewelry unless something catches on really big somehow, but that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to find the greatest way possible to live my dream, to go into territory that will terrify and exilarate me. I know I'm good at what I do now, but I don't love what I do now. And I don't want to be doing it in ten or twenty years. It's not about making these doubters happy, it's not about being practical, it's about making myself happy and seeing my life as something that I GET TO LIVE on MY TERMS. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore, that has obviously gotten me nowhere. I'm closing my eyes, taking a running start, and jumping with all my strength. and I'm terrified. But it's a good type of terrified. and it's a great thing to know about myself, that I've reached the point where no one else can tell me how to be happy. If you love me, set me free. Maybe when my jewelry is selling for hundreds of dollars a piece I'll send you free pair of earrings.