sooooooo......

.....the most powerful realization I've had about my life and what's gone on with moving and then moving back but not moving back to exactly where I was is... well... I can make my own damn decisions and I don't really HAVE to explain myself to anyone.

Quite liberating, to be honest.

you're a real tough cookie.....

I wonder sometimes if I haven't hidden my light under a damn bushel so long that I've managed to live as a single girl through the majority of my twenties. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself all this time. I just have kind of refused to put up with any drama, and false flirtations or sure-to-end-badly suggestions that I should date so-and-so.

I thought for a long time that maybe I was aiming too high or something. You know, like a girl like me shouldn't be so picky? The thing is, though, that I have always figured I would just know when the right guy came along. I'm not sitting around figuring he'll just wander by, but I also refuse to date a million frogs just to find my prince. I don't have this terribly stringent list of what's right in a guy and what's wrong. But I do have a lot of ideas about what's right for me.

Maybe getting out of here will be a big push in the direction of solving this nearly decade long dry spell. It seems like I can't find anyone around here who actually (a) is my type and (b) wants to date me. and by "is my type", I don't mean "fits into this box of qualities that I refuse to budge on", I just mean someone who will love me for me and who will want to support and encourage me to be everything I want to be while I do the same for them. I need someone who gets me, and that I get, (and who puts up with me when I try to run away from him a couple of times, which I'm probably going to do, because... uh.... love ain't easy...)

I'm not going to go searching, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I'm just... *sigh*.... I'm prone to saying I don't believe in love for myself, but that's not necessarily true. What I don't believe in is the timeline everyone around here seems to want to set for girls like me. I will get married (and, God willing, have babies?) someday. Maybe even someday soon. But it will be because I met the love of my life and decided it was time. Not because I decided it was time and that some random dude was the love of my life.

in bloom

Winter was long for me. For everyone, perhaps. I just had this general malaise hanging over me. A lack of energy and an unhappy feeling seemed to follow me no matter what I did. I was exhausted and pissy. And that's not like me, you know?

This nice spring weather is really making me feel more alive, and happier, and it's actually bringing me back around to knowing that I have a purpose. Such goodness in such little things. Who knew that this weather that vexes me half the time (oi, allergies!), is actually what wakes me up each year and reminds me that beginnings are what you can count on in life. And sure, they follow endings, but you have to be brave and face everything (beginning, middle, and end) with an open mind and a strong heart.

I made the most awesome earrings the other night out of guitar strings, some 24 gauge wire for a little help (guitar strings are extremely low gauge and don't always stay how you'd like them to), and some beads. I designed and made them all by myself and am so proud of the finished product. I should've taken a picture to post here, because I'd like everyone to admire them (lol, just kidding! if you didn't like them I'd be just as curious to know why... maybe.) But it was a very cool feeling to know that I created something from start to finish, no pattern, no design from some other source, just my brain, my heart, my hands. It filled me up. More than any moment at work ever does. And that says something.

I have so many ideas to work on for my friend Kristen's store, so she can have success selling the wares of some of her creative friends, and in turn we will feel success as well. It's a positive thing all around. We will all come to understand more about ourselves and what we are capable of as artisans. I'm so excited!

it isn't much, but at least it's mine

I don't have much time for a formal post at this moment, but I need to air this somewhere... you know I've had a lot of people ask me about going back to school at what I want to do and what my plans are and blah blah blah. and I've found that, now that I have determined what I want to do and what I see myself being happy and successful at, that when I answer the reactions I get are just..... they are much more reflective of the person asking the question than what they actually think of me.

My initial (and always stifled) reaction is to say something to them about how they don't seem to care much about my happiness or put faith in my belief in myself. I know what kind of road being an artist will take me down. I know that I won't make millions of dollars selling jewelry unless something catches on really big somehow, but that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to find the greatest way possible to live my dream, to go into territory that will terrify and exilarate me. I know I'm good at what I do now, but I don't love what I do now. And I don't want to be doing it in ten or twenty years. It's not about making these doubters happy, it's not about being practical, it's about making myself happy and seeing my life as something that I GET TO LIVE on MY TERMS. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore, that has obviously gotten me nowhere. I'm closing my eyes, taking a running start, and jumping with all my strength. and I'm terrified. But it's a good type of terrified. and it's a great thing to know about myself, that I've reached the point where no one else can tell me how to be happy. If you love me, set me free. Maybe when my jewelry is selling for hundreds of dollars a piece I'll send you free pair of earrings.