you're a real tough cookie.....

I wonder sometimes if I haven't hidden my light under a damn bushel so long that I've managed to live as a single girl through the majority of my twenties. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself all this time. I just have kind of refused to put up with any drama, and false flirtations or sure-to-end-badly suggestions that I should date so-and-so.

I thought for a long time that maybe I was aiming too high or something. You know, like a girl like me shouldn't be so picky? The thing is, though, that I have always figured I would just know when the right guy came along. I'm not sitting around figuring he'll just wander by, but I also refuse to date a million frogs just to find my prince. I don't have this terribly stringent list of what's right in a guy and what's wrong. But I do have a lot of ideas about what's right for me.

Maybe getting out of here will be a big push in the direction of solving this nearly decade long dry spell. It seems like I can't find anyone around here who actually (a) is my type and (b) wants to date me. and by "is my type", I don't mean "fits into this box of qualities that I refuse to budge on", I just mean someone who will love me for me and who will want to support and encourage me to be everything I want to be while I do the same for them. I need someone who gets me, and that I get, (and who puts up with me when I try to run away from him a couple of times, which I'm probably going to do, because... uh.... love ain't easy...)

I'm not going to go searching, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I'm just... *sigh*.... I'm prone to saying I don't believe in love for myself, but that's not necessarily true. What I don't believe in is the timeline everyone around here seems to want to set for girls like me. I will get married (and, God willing, have babies?) someday. Maybe even someday soon. But it will be because I met the love of my life and decided it was time. Not because I decided it was time and that some random dude was the love of my life.

maybe someday we'll figure all this out...

I have been putting together my plans for moving to Virginia for almost a year now. It started as a "I could do this if I wanted to..." and then went through the "ugh, am I nuts? I do really need to get out of here..." phase, and "omg. this is a great idea, as long as I can support myself..." and "I'm going. I'm doing this, no one is stopping me!" That's finally where I am at last. Even with all of my anxiety over the job search and finding myself where I should be, there's no reason I shouldn't go. A lot of situations have converged to the point of me needing out and having somewhere to stay while I get my shit together. So much for the turbulent 20's being almost over, I'm riding right in to the last year of my "young adulthood" by shaking everything up and giving myself a totally new beginning.

I can't wait.

And yet, I can't stop fretting over finding a job and packing and making sure I can handle this in other ways. I suppose I'd be weird if I weren't worried. I know I'm lucky because I have a home to move to (I'll be staying with my sister-in-law and the five, count 'em, five kids ranging in age from 14 down to 2. Two that are 2, as my sister-in-law's niece is now pretty much living there full time.) I know I can do this. I know this won't be the end of my world, but the beginning of a new exciting chapter. It's well past time for those pages to turn, that's for sure.

When I leave here, I'll be letting go of the general fishbowl mentality that I've suffered from living under for most of my life now. Small towns are not easy places to grow up if your parents have any standing in the community, and I'm a preacher's daughter. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't sneeze on Saturday without everyone knowing it by Sunday. People have asked me if I'll be coming back, and I can honestly say that I won't be coming back to live. I want to change, I want out, that's pretty much all I've ever wanted, and life, events, people, the economy, all kinds of stuff kept weighing me down. I won't have it anymore. It's now or never, and I'm not taking never for an answer.

My dream, my ultimate big goal in life (besides getting married and having a beautiful family in the near future, god willing) is to open a shop/studio to make and sell my jewelry, teach classes, and sell some other people's items as well. I want to use this talent I have. It took me years to find it, and I'm convinced that I am capable of being consistently unique and interesting as a designer. I'm keeping my eyes on this goal, no matter what else happens. I will be defined by myself, my personal decisions and ideas, my aestethic and my creativity. Not by what other people think they see in me and try to tell me I'll be.

This might be a crazy adventure, but at least I won't regret it. I would regret not going on it, not changing and seeing who I am and what I'm made of.

I just wish I could take my dog with me.

in bloom

Winter was long for me. For everyone, perhaps. I just had this general malaise hanging over me. A lack of energy and an unhappy feeling seemed to follow me no matter what I did. I was exhausted and pissy. And that's not like me, you know?

This nice spring weather is really making me feel more alive, and happier, and it's actually bringing me back around to knowing that I have a purpose. Such goodness in such little things. Who knew that this weather that vexes me half the time (oi, allergies!), is actually what wakes me up each year and reminds me that beginnings are what you can count on in life. And sure, they follow endings, but you have to be brave and face everything (beginning, middle, and end) with an open mind and a strong heart.

I made the most awesome earrings the other night out of guitar strings, some 24 gauge wire for a little help (guitar strings are extremely low gauge and don't always stay how you'd like them to), and some beads. I designed and made them all by myself and am so proud of the finished product. I should've taken a picture to post here, because I'd like everyone to admire them (lol, just kidding! if you didn't like them I'd be just as curious to know why... maybe.) But it was a very cool feeling to know that I created something from start to finish, no pattern, no design from some other source, just my brain, my heart, my hands. It filled me up. More than any moment at work ever does. And that says something.

I have so many ideas to work on for my friend Kristen's store, so she can have success selling the wares of some of her creative friends, and in turn we will feel success as well. It's a positive thing all around. We will all come to understand more about ourselves and what we are capable of as artisans. I'm so excited!

I'll learn to get by on little victories...

I've been house/dogsitting this week, which has given me a ton of alone time. I'm not used to alone time, I'm not great at being alone to be honest. Really, as nuts as it drives me to have other people around and a lack of privacy, there's this level on which I need a kind of access to instant socialization. If that makes sense. I'm odd. Anyway, the alone time has given me a lot of time to think, leading me to some random conclusions on various topics:

- the only person who's really really disappointed in me for where I've ended up in life currently is myself. sad but true.

- I had someone in my life whom I used to call friend piss me off one too many times recently, and I decided completely defriend her and block her on everything. She was making snide comments and trying to start shit between a mutual friend or through a mutual friend. it was bullshit. useless bullshit. So I cut her off. I realized that it was the best thing to do and probably should've done it sooner, but the thought occurred to me in the past couple of days that when she chose to laugh at a certain emotional trauma I went through, because she perceives it as funny, she chose to laugh at something that had messed with my life big time, and had devastated a chunk of who I was. And it occurred to me that even if everything else in our friendship had been fine, that I wouldn't have continued to put up with it, because it's comparable in my emotional landscape to laughing about me being attacked or abused. It really is. And she can shove it up her ass.

- I need to quit buying crap I don't really need or plan to use extensively

- I need to pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth and to how active I'm being. I'm the only one who can change this about myself. and I'm mad at myself for letting it get this far.

- Things will fall into place, and I need to trust that. But I also need to trust myself to give my life the push it needs.

- I need to remember what Rachel said on the boat during my tarot reading.

what doesn't throw you or burn you will surely turn you around

I've come to a sort of crossroads in my life. At this point I can go back to school around here and get a degree in something I'll "probably be good at" and get a job I'll "probably like" and go on with everything, or I can follow my dreams. My actual dreams, which, had I known ten years ago that they'd change so much throughout my 20's, I would probably have not started college right out of high school. Here's what's going on, in a nutshell:I've always been sure of one thing, and yet curiously hesitant to change the circumstances that made me so damn sure about it all the time. This thing, this fact, is that I don't want to be here in this podunk town where I am and always will be referred to as my father's daughter for the rest of my life. I want to leave, I have always wanted to, needed to really, get a handle on things and find my own "wide open spaces", if you will. But time ticked on, things happened, shit happened, and I just.... I kept sticking around here, not really happy per se, more... treading water and waiting for something, anything, to get me moving out into the world and on my way. And nothing happened. Nada. Just... you know, the shit that happened, and I had been ready for action and then.... well... sometimes when you get to the place I was you can't imagine that there's a way to move on. Because there isn't, until you're good and ready.

So here I am, ready, I do believe, even though what I want to do, NEED TO DO, will take me away from my cocoon here, my friends, my job I've had for nearly ten years, all of it. I'll have to figure out ways to be who I am, while leaving who I've fought against turning into here. Or maybe I'll just take it all with me and see what happens. I don't know. What I'm looking at is heading out to Virginia to live with my brother's family for about a year while I establish residency so that going to college will be cheaper, and then going to VCU in Richmond, where there is a jewelry design/making/metal working/glass working program. Sure, it's not a lucrative career path, but it makes me happy. I feel like I'm a natural with this stuff, and who knew. I was so hell bent on music (which I have a great love for, but my talent does not match up to what I need it to be for me to do it and make money), that I forgot that I might be great at something else. And living with my brother's family would be a helpful thing for them too. My bro is probably leaving in March for Afghanistan, so if I head out sometime this summer I will be able to give Diana a lot of support and help with the kiddos. She's going to need it. I guess what I need from my friends is help with the courage, and reassurance that I can do this because it's been done by countless people before me.

I'm not.... I act super strong and such, but I'm scared shitless, and that's what has kept me here, fear that I won't be able to make it out there on my own. Fear that some of the bad judgment calls I've made are going to haunt me, or that I'll just make more and more, even though I've learned. But I don't think I'll sink. I think I'll find a way to soar. I know I'll find a way to soar.

The Value of a Library Card

Having worked at public libraries as a clerk for nearly ten years now, I know something about the way people react when you tell them how much they have to pay for a library card if they live outside our tax district. I've heard people proclaim it a waste, I've literally heard people say "that's ridiculous! why would I pay that for a card at this library, it's not worth that!" right to our faces. And in my opinion, they couldn't sound more ignorant at that point. It's one thing if you just plain can't afford it, but if you just won't pay it because you're cheap, well, you don't need to insult the establishment and the hard working people in it just because you can.

#1: it's not our choice, these rules are set by a domino effect of people and committees and boards and such that then pass the numbers and percentages on to our head librarian who then has to set the price using a formula based on population/taxes/etc. Plus, if you listen to what we're explaining, you'll learn that the people living within our itemized tax district pay AS MUCH or MORE for a library card. It's the people paying for it and not using it that boggle me, but that's a whole other rant.

#2: YES it is worth it. You're wanting to come in here and take out who knows how much of our "merchandise" without laying down a cent? And you want us to trust you to bring it back? Just like that? New best sellers that cost $30+, DVDs that cost $15-$25+, computer software, out of print books, reference material, audiobooks that cost $45+. And we shouldn't charge you yearly dues? If you use the library to it's full potential, you are saving countless dollars. Now, if you want one book and that's it, go to Borders and get it for your damn self. When you have to go buy another book or two in a few months and it costs you thirty more bucks every time, just remember you refused to pay $80 for a library card because it cost too much. Flawed logic.

#3 Do you think these materials just show up out of thin air? We have to buy them. And the people working here, they need to get paid. And the upkeep on those materials that many many careless people ruin on a regular basis and the repair team has to try to salvage? Those supplies (and the initial book covering supplies and protective cases and the labels that make the books easier to find, and the shelves they are on....) cost a pretty penny. This place isn't running on smiles and sunshine, that's for sure.

#4 The library does more for the community than any bookstore ever will. Every time you lay money down for a library card, you are helping fund storytimes, summer reading programs, movie nights, adult enrichment classes, and many more activities. You are helping the entire community, and giving yourself the ability to utilise a wealth of materials and resources.

Now, call me crazy, but what part of all of this is so very not worth it?

all these places have their moments....

When my sweet baby girl Rosie died in July, I decided that I would properly pay tribute to her in several ways. I got a charm with her paw print that I can wear as a necklace, I am putting together a huge photo/scrapbook as I get the chance, and I wanted her permanently with me, walking by my side, so I got my first tattoo in her memory. Here are some pics from the day, taken by Rachel and Lori, who went with me and kept me from crying most of the time (cause they'll tell you it doesn't hurt, but it hurts like a mofo, at least it did for me.)

This officially wins my "funniest position ever laid in for more than half an hour" award. (that's Donna K working on me, by the way, she did an awesome job!) I was on my back with my hips twisted to the side and my right arm trying to hold still and my left arm holding Lori's hoodie sleeve so her hand wouldn't be pulverized by my monster grip.

No, really, it hurt... not that I won't do it again, but it wasn't pleasant....

But it was worth every minute (and every dollar) because Rosie went through oh so much more in her 13 1/2 years.

I miss my girl.